So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
