Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
