My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I fill condoms, not promises.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
