I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
