You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
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Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
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I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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