Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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