I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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