listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
