FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
