Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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