I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
