I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
