I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
