Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
