i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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