tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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