I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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