I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize