does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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