The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
