she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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