After last night, I could never be a politician.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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