you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We have started to decorate penises.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My life is pants optional.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
