he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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