I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
