he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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