Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
