that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
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