The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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