God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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