My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
