The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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