you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize