have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
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Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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