Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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