All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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