My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
