when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
