i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This house was built for laser tag.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
