Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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