Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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