I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
