i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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