Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
