I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
