Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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