That's intense
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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