Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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