so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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