I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
