first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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