I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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