when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
