glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
