i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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