my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
