my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
